Columbus News Center Interview: September 2015

The scene opens on the set of a major news broadcast station and today they are interviewing Mark Massive Cheeks of the Endless Cancer Funds Pumping Institute. The anchor goes onto explain how Mark's HMO is the largest in the country with over 3000 hospitals nationwide and a large share of the business in every state. The anchor ends with a statement that today Mark would like to explain how he has decided that the planned new facility in downtown Columbus has been cancelled and the allocated money will be used to more directly prevent cancer.


Mark:

Well folks how are you doing? I have big changes for Columbus planned, but first let me tell you a little about my business. We specialize in cancer research and treatments. For the past 50 years we have been the largest cancer treatment organization in the country. We treat over 2 million cancer patients each year. And our research has shown the most profitable areas to build facilities are right near where large amounts of industrial waste has been introduced into the environment. About 30 years ago we proved that when DumpOnIt purchases land to dispose of the waste from making scientific miracles, that is also a profitable place to build a cancer hospital. Hospitals built near chemical disposal landfills have been profitable for decades and continue to significantly contribute to our bottom line today. In the past 10 years the real hotbed of growth has been isolated to a few key states and our research shows that these states all have been heavily utilized for natural gas drilling. For example, our Colorado market has seen exponential growth and shows no signs of slowing for decades.


Mark:

Now I know the citizens of Columbus are very excited to see the fracking business ramping up in Ohio, a new cheap source of natural gas is always an exciting thing. And we received a huge warm welcome from the City Council when we announced our plans to build the largest cancer treatment hospital in the country, right here in Columbus. But today I am going to announce a game changing shift in our strategy for treating the cancer epidemic and I wanted to share this announcement with the citizens of Columbus first.


Mark:

But before I make the announcement, I'd like to talk with you personally and tell you about myself and my role as CEO of the 'Endless Cancer Funds Pumping Institute'. As the CEO I carry a great burden in setting the direction that the company takes. And I have always taken this responsibility very seriously, I have worked diligently to make sure our investments make the highest returns and our stock holders see continual growth in both capital and dividends. In my current position I have done this successfully for over 20 years and never questioned the 'rightness' of this pursuit. But as I get older I am seeing the world differently and I would like to share with you the inner dialogue that drove this change.


Now the scene shifts and we are seeing a version of the classic devil \ angel moral dilemma we see in cartoons, where a devil sits on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder and they argue. I see the devil as a voluptuous women in a red devil outfit complete with tail and shamelessly provocative in speech and movements. I see the angel as a woman in a white toga reassuring and calm.


Angel:

Now Mark, you have done an excellent job finding the balance between providing high quality services to your patients and profits to your shareholders. But in this new Columbus market you have planned to invest 10 billion dollars over the next 5 years with a return on investment planned 10 years from now as fracking matures and the toxic runoff permeates the environment. This is a good plan for the institute, but, if instead of investing in a treatment center If the institute ran a massive media campaign and warned the citizens of the health threats posed by fracking and industrial waste disposal, we could prevent tens of thousands of cancer victims from ever occurring.


Devil:

That angel sure has some funny ideas. If we don't expand into the Columbus market where will we expand? And spending money to educate citizens and prevent cancer, where is the profit in that. It's actually a lose-lose, we lose the money spent on advertisements up front and we lose future income from patients that will no longer exist.


Angel:

We could focus on communities where the environment is already damaged and cancer rates are already high.


Devil:

That would work if you want to run a charity. You know the people with money are the first ones to leave those contaminated areas. You owe it to your stockholders to continue to find profitable investments. You owe it to yourself to keep the money flowing, you don't want to be charity and have to be frugal and extremely budget conscience. ...No more jaunts on the corporate jet...


Angel:

You know, we have over 60 billion dollars in the reserves. We could invest that money, streamline our business model and operate from the interest on the reserves. We could provide no cost services to our patients!


Devil:

Let me know when you are ready to check back into reality, I'll be ready for you...


Angel:

Oh this could work, actually we wouldn't have to operate from just the interest. As our research is better used to educate citizens of the health risks posed by industrial chemicals and pharmaceuticals in the air, water, soil, food and consumer goods, the need for our cancer hospitals would decrease. As that trend solidifies we could forecast the end of the cancer epidemic and start funding activities from the principal. So the end of the cancer epidemic would coincide with the end of the 'Endless Cancer Funds Pumping Institute' and the principal reserves would also be depleted.


Devil:

Reality Check! Let's go back to the untapped opportunity in Columbus. Markie Boy, you know damn well no one spends money like a mother with a sick child. Are you seriously going to pass this up? Even if you saved a hundred thousand people from cancer, they would never know the grief you spared them. What kind of gratitude are they going to give you. And you sure as shit aren't going to get any love from your stockholders. Now if you build this cancer hospital, I promise you will have that beach front condo in Aruba and a corporate jet to get you there on the weekends. What young nurse wouldn't want to spend a weekend in Aruba? You build this hospital, provide young people with a career in the medical field, now they will show you some gratitude.


Angel:

Mark you now realize the higher purpose you have worked so hard for during the past 20 years, isn't quite as high as you had thought. Can you live with yourself if you continue to ignore the human costs of your actions?


Mark:

Folks these are the moral dilemmas I have been wrestling with and I am proud to say, that the Columbus cancer treatment center project has been cancelled. I have used the money slated for the cancer treatment center to fund the largest ever media campaign to educate citizens about the health threats of fracking and other environmental pollution. Our institute is uniquely positioned to provide the cause and effect relationships between industrial activity and cancer. We are going to use this knowledge to educate the citizens and governmental entities to better steer policy to protect the people and prevent cancer in the future. I have contracted with top media companies and guaranteed 100 million dollars will be spent every year for the next 10 years to improve awareness of the close ties between industrial activity and cancer.


Mark:

On a closing note, let me say this decision, this decision to do the right thing, may cost me everything. I will most likely lose my CEO position, I may never have this level of income again, it may cost me my marriage and alienate my children. But strangely, to do the right thing and save possibly millions of people from suffering illness or the death of loved ones, I am OK with it. I feel good about this decision and will happily bear the consequences.


Mark:

So citizens of Columbus I cheerfully welcome you into a new era where we embrace the old adage, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."


backdrop slogan: "We won't stop treating cancer until every last dollar has been made."